Getting back in the swing

I've been feeling a bit rocky recently, and trying to figure out why. I think I've now managed to put my finger on it.

Since I graduated from Uni I've put a lot of pressure on myself to get a career off the ground. Then my husband left, and since then I have really been trying to just keep all the balls in the air until some nameless date in the future when I'll feel like it's all come together. I always seem to spend my life waiting for something, and not really appreciating the 'now'.

I've spoken to some of my friends about this, and it seems to be a common problem. As the generation raised to believe we can have everything, we are rarely actually satisfied.

At the moment, my life is pretty good: I have my kids, my home, my health, a job that fits in around my kids and my new relationship is bringing me a lot of happiness. So why do I still keep finding myself feeling so stressed?

I think the problem is that I'm not good at dividing my life equally, and so I feel like I'm short on everything. The weeks seem to disappear: I can get to Friday and realise I haven't heard my eldest read, or practised his spellings with him. I will, however, check my work emails when I get home, only an hour after leaving the office!

So I need to redress the balance. This week, I'm going to attempt some changes:

1. I am not going to check my work emails from home, or do any extra work at home.
2. I am going to put a restriction on screen time for the kids, so I don't rely on the TV to entertain them from getting home till bedtime - we waste too much time in front of screens in this family!
3. I am going to have at least half an hour to myself each day, without the TV or laptop on: I can waste a whole evening on Mumsnet, Facebook and Twitter, and then realise that I've done nothing...
4. I am going to use my time more effectively, try and keep on top of the housework etc, so I don't feel like I have a mountain to climb at the end of the week.

I'll check back in at the end of the week, and let you know if I feel a bit more focused on the important stuff, and less stressed!

I have a secret to tell you...

... I am still a romantic.

I've always been a romantic - growing up watching eighties movies and reading Sweet Valley High books made me think I'd marry my teenage sweetheart. Unfortunately, I was so desperate for this to happen I managed to hook up with quite a few weirdos in the meantime. But then I did really fall in love and had a healthy happy relationship for ten years. And no, I didn't think it would end how it did and I'm still pretty sad about it, but I don't regret it. I married for love, and I don't think that's something I need to apologise for.

Anyway, I've made quite a lot of noise over the last eighteen months about how I WILL NEVER GET MARRIED AGAIN, EVER. I spent frequent Sunday mornings laughing at Steve Wright's Love Songs show, and in particular making up cruel alternate endings for the people who left dedications. A bit like this:

Radio: "Dear Steve, please will you tell my wife Doris that I lurve her more than anyfink, she is my world. Thanks, Dave."

Me: "Ha! Dave is SO cheating on Doris with Marge from the Co-op. Just sayin'. He is trying to throw her off the scent. Bastard."

I also now watch eighties movies and make snarky remarks about "That's right, you've discovered eyeliner and stopped wearing your hair in a ponytail, now he will DEFINITELY LOVE YOU FOREVER!!! Or until College you dozy high school girl, you!"

As you can see, I am a barrel of laughs to have around. Friends swarm to me on Valentine's Day - honest.

But look, this is all a front. I still believe that you really can meet someone and love them forever. Like in 'Up'. And I'm in that daft just started a new relationship thing, where I think about him all the time, and want to talk to him about everything. I'd love to think that I will feel that way forever, and maybe I will this time. See, even having my heart trampled on hasn't dimmed my romantic hopes.

Three Confessions

1. Boyfriend, I use your shower gel as bubble bath when you're not here. I have not yet used your razor on my legs, but lets face it, it's just a matter of time.

2. Mum, Yes I was upset the other night when you called, I don't actually have a cold. But I still don't want to talk to you about it.

3. Kids, I love you so much. But I cannot WAIT for you to go to your Dad's for a week so that I can catch my breath and tidy the house.

Financial crisis... ish

Has it really been two weeks since I posted? I'm sorry, that's lazy blogging. Time just seems to be running away with me at the moment. And it's taking all my money with it.

A service and MOT on my car last weekend landed me with a bill of over £500. Thank god for credit cards. But I'm painfully aware that the car, my plans for the garden, and my trip to Germany later this year are hanging heavy over me. I've done some maths and while I can afford these things, I need to be pretty careful with my cash and a bit more sensible when it comes to my shopping habits.

I have a pretty bad relationship with money: My parents are keen savers, and as such we were never given pocket money, or allowed to spend our birthday money on fripperies. I'm sure their plan was to make us appreciate the value of things: Actually all that seems to have happened is that now I'm at last in control of my own finances I have a "I want it; I'll have it" attitude. I've had REAL financial troubles in the past though, and I'm keen not to repeat those. I hope I'm getting to a point of balance.

I hate to turn this into a "Why single parents have it so tough" post, but I do feel the weight of financial responsibility pretty heavily. A colleague at work yesterday told me how her husband had paid off her credit card for her. HA! What a fantasy life that would be!

It's not so much the money - it's the fact I have no one to share the burden with. I believe that's one of the toughest things about being a single parent: I have no one to cry over it all with at the end of a day when I've cancelled the direct debit for the gas so I can pay for the electric (NB - It's not that bad really, not yet anyway).

As part of my economy drive, I'm back to meal planning, shopping online, voucher hunting and generally being thrifty. More veggie meals, more home baking instead of buying snacks and I may even begin darning our socks.

(I have no idea how sock darning is thrifty. Or even how you do it.)

Mythbusting about Single Parents... About time

Just wanted to share this fantastic article from Gingerbread, an amazing charity which does all it can to support single parents in the UK

Luke, I am your father...

I love this. You can get a whole book of these on Amazon - http://www.amazon.co.uk/Darth-Vader-Star-Wars-Chronicle/dp/145210655X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1335795566&sr=8-1 I hope my ex-husband doesn't read my blog, because I sooo know what we're getting him for fathers' day now!!

Weird conversations you thought you'd never have

My ex and I sat down today and discussed our impending divorce.

I couldn't maintain eye contact with my ex-husband up until about four months ago. The sight of him on my driveway, or in the car made me feel sick to my stomach. My throat would ache with tears that someone who I had loved so completely could now be such a stranger to me. My blood would boil that someone could make me so ANGRY. Every time I spoke to him, I'd go away swearing and cursing his mother for ever having borne him.

That all changed a couple of months ago, when we had to meet and talk about eldest's schooling. We went for a coffee, and it was awkward. Eventually I had to ask him the questions that had been on my mind for over a year: Does he think I still want him back? Does he think we could have made it work, if we'd given it more time or waited? What did I do wrong in our marriage that made him leave? Did he ever really love me in the beginning? Does he ever worry that he won't find anyone else who made him feel the way I did in the beginning?

No. No. Nothing, we grew apart. Yes, completely. Those were his answers.

Also, he told me he had worried that he wouldn't find anyone and feel that connection again - then he had it with someone, he thought it was going to work out, but it didn't.

Somehow that conversation had to happen - I had to get those answers to move past it. I drove away and had a few tears, but on the whole I felt free and light and happy for the first time.

Today was more evidence of how comfortable we've become with each other. We chatted about our new relationships, laughed about our marriage and our divorce, chatted about the kids and how we can make it easier for them. We've reached a point where we can admit that we'll always care for each other, always want the best for each other.

Essentially, no matter how angry everyone else seems to be about the end of my marriage, I'm at peace with it. I'm happy, I know it was for the best, and I wish him well.