Growing up

Well, the jewellery making kit has arrived!

I must admit, it's a bit smaller than I'd envisaged, but I'm still looking forward to having a go. So far I've not had time this week - I've been really busy.

I'm a creature of habit and I love patterns and routines in my day. For example, morning routine goes; shower, dressed and ready, breakfast for the kids while I make lunches, get the kids ready, washing up and set off for work. I get very upset if anything interrupts me - In fact, I refuse to answer the phone during the morning routine.

As part of my plan for this year, I want to lose two or three stone. I'm following the Weight Watchers plan (after Slimming World and it's denial of bread proved too tough to handle) and I'm also trying to factor exercise into my lifestyle. Weight Watchers seems to be working for me because I love the routine of how many points I have, what I can eat and just doing the totals in my head. I'm feeling motivated for the first time in ages - I hope I can stick it out this time!

To speed the weight loss (and increase my general quality of life) I'm also trying to enjoy exercise. I spent my PE lessons coming up with a book called "101 reasons to get you out of PE" and I am still scared of the Sports and Public Services team at work. At the age of nearly 30, I've yet to find a form of exercise I actually enjoy.

So, I followed some Mumsnet recommendations and I'm trying the 30 day shred. Essentially it's a 30 minute high intensity workout. And when I say high intensity, I mean by five minutes in, I'm huffing and puffing and sweating in a rather unattractive fashion.

I'm now on day four, my legs are aching and I'm even more tired than usual. But I have a massive sense of achievement. For me to keep this exercising up is like a personal Mount Everest.

This year is a big learning experience for me - I'm really starting to figure out who I am and what I like. I'm challenging myself, not for anyone else's benefit, just for me. I think that I'm becoming an adult. It's only taken 30 years (and funnily enough, the kids and the marriage didn't speed it up any!)

Update on The List

So, you all know about the list

I just thought I'd give you a quick update.

Sadly, the rock climbing still has not come to pass. I don't want to ask my Mum to babysit, because she and my Dad are in such a funk lately, and I hate having to rely on other people. Plus, it's an awkward time of day. That's not to say I've written it off completely - I just may find out if I can do a one off taster session instead.

So, that means number five is still undone. But, I think I may have found a solution...

My ex-boyfriend's cousin, who I have a bit of a life crush on (she lives abroad and is beautiful and has amazing tattoos, and a really really interesting blog ) makes gorgeous jewellery and sells it online.

Having spent this weekend trying to find some earrings that I like and that don't cost lots and lots of money, I decided to give jewellery making a go myself. I have happy imaginings of me, listening to cool music on my ipod and fashioning gorgeous creations that my friends ooh and aah over.

(I suspect I'll get bored or cross, or the children will eat my beads. This is why I prefer my imagination.)

So, I've purchased a beginner's jewellery making kit from Ebay - it comes with all the bits and tools, and a book to get me going. I'm actually quite excited about it!

In other list news, I was doing really well on the lose weight front, and then yesterday I ate at Fire and Stone, which is yummy pizza place in Portsmouth. Then I had some cake too. And a glass of wine.

So I had large quantities of my hair cut off, should definitely be a pounds worth.

Low expectations

My eldest son was ill this week. I had a phone call from the school right before a really important meeting at work - he'd thrown up in the office and obviously needed collecting.

I called my ex, and he was off work, so he went to collect him. He also had him the next day so that I didn't need to take any time off.

Does that make me lucky?

A couple of people have said that to me this week - "Oh, that's nice of him." or "You're lucky that he will do that for you."

I don't usually say any of the responses that are running through my mind, I usually just say "Well, he is their father."

Does anyone say to a working Dad, whose wife takes days off work when the kids are sick that he's lucky? Or when she works part time so she can pick up the children after school - is he lucky that she's doing that so he doesn't have to?

In my mind, this is part of a wider problem - we have low expectations of fathers, and even lower expectations for single mothers.

Society expects that a single mother will have troublesome children. It expects that she will be on benefits. It expects that she is responsible for all the 'feral' children (And don't even get me started on that load of claptrap).

No one seems to be expecting anything of the single fathers. (Who, for the record, don't stop being fathers just because they leave the family home.)

Congratulations HSBC

I got a press release today from HSBC - Because I've not written any magazine or news articles for a while I usually delete them, but this one caught my eye...

HSBC is set to offer all new parents a part-time role at a pro rata salary
and the same level as their original role following maternity or paternity
leave.


The bank will offer returning parents a part-time role equivalent to at
least two and a half days a week in a bid to help their employees balance
the demands of family life with their career development. Under UK
employment law there is no obligation on employers to provide part-time
work although every parent is entitled to request it.

It's not usual that I congratulate a bank but this impressed me. I'm fairly sure there will be a lot of contractual clap trap which means this isn't going to work for everyone (after all, it's a bank, and I'm a cynic) but at least it's a step in the right direction.

I'm lucky enough to have a part time job, doing what I love and what I'm trained in, but I do know my chances of progression in another role would be small while I still have to leave at 3pm every day.

Working part time doesn't mean other people have to take up 'the slack' at work to cover for me. It just means I have to be twice as productive and work even harder than I ever did when I worked full time. I work harder, and at a higher level since having children - nothing taught me about multi-tasking like changing a nappy one handed in the dark.

So well done to HSBC from me!

Sundays are my nemesis

Do any other single parents feel this way?

When I was married, Sundays were my favourite day of the week. Lazy morning followed by a long walk with the dog and a roast dinner at about mid afternoon. Then we'd all fall asleep in front of a rubbish film, and I would feel so content.

Now, Sundays are about grim survival. The boys have swimming lessons at 10am, which means I sit in a room full of other Mums, and a few Dads. This room is tiny. None of these adults ever thinks of getting out a chair for anyone else, or that sitting smack bang in the middle of the room so that we have to ask them to move to get to available chairs, might possibly be a bit inconsiderate.

Getting both kids out of the pool, away from the overcrowded showers full of precious Sebastians who cannot possibly get changed without shampooing and conditioning the whole two inches of hair they have, is a mission. My four year old is obsessed with having a shower at swimming. At home, if I put the shower on he screams the house down. At swimming, he screams when I tell him he can't have a shower. Give me strength.

So I manhandle screaming four year old back to the overcrowded changing rooms. Attempt to dry and talc both boys as quickly as humanly possible and wrestle them into their clothes. On a weekday, it takes my six year old 45 minutes to get dressed for school, so leaving him to it is not option if I want to be home in time for the Eastenders omnibus. My teeth are already on edge from having sat through an hour of listening to all the other parents moan about the school not enforcing veganism, or something.

We get to the car (usually running, through pouring rain) and the whole day stretches out in front of me like a Maths A-Level. If the weather's nice, we can go for a walk, or the park or just anywhere. If it's raining, like today, we are on enforced home detention, because I can't afford the small mortgage downpayment that constitutes an hour's soft play.

We usually end up going to see my parents, but recent history tells me this is an exercise in having all my enthusiasm quashed for anything, ever. It also means I feel that the kids are annoying everyone, and go home feeling even more sorry for myself.

Today, because I am holding it together by a thread we've come home and they're watching Dr Who on DVD in the lounge, while I chicken out in the kitchen and try not to cry. I want to cry because I feel like a crap parent, that I can't even bear the thought of one whole day at home with the children. I thought I was supposed to enjoy this bit? It all feels like an uphill slog, right now.

So, I am going to make myself a cup of tea and possibly a bacon sandwich. I'm going to have those, then go upstairs and do some ironing for two hours, while the kids are down here. Then this afternoon I'm going to teach the eldest to play draughts, and maybe do some Lego.

This is how I survive Sundays - by having a plan to fill the void.

P.S So far online dating is making me think I will be single forever, unless I want to settle down with a 53 year old tractor enthusiast called Nigel from Leicestershire.

On a lighter note, the book is quite good.

I may be some time...

As I am reading a book, in an attempt to develop the amount of time I spend at home, not on the internet.

I'm a cyber addict, and while that has it's bonuses, it's making me really dull, insular and a bit of a navel gazer.

I took a trip to the charity shop today and spent six quid on five books, all of which I genuinely want to read. The list is:

1. A tiny bit marvellous by Dawn French

2. Atonement (that famous one)

3. The No1 ladies detective agency

4. The Slap

5. Chocolat

Voila. I started the Dawn French one today and shall report back.

So, what was I thinking there, then?

Crap bags.

I have signed up to an online dating site. I decided to have a go and just see how it turns out. Nothing to lose etc. So far (and it's been about 8 hours) it's mainly made me realise that I am completely and utterly not ready to date!

I've never actually dated, at all, not ever. I always got into relationships with people who I met through friends etc, got to know them a bit and have never actually done the whole "So, what kind of music do you like? What do you do for a living?" kind of questions.

I'm feeling very wobbly. So wobbly, in fact, that I promptly called to cancel my membership, so I only have to be on the site for a month.

(Of course if I meet my soulmate on there, I will be retracting said cancellation, toute suite!)